Script Review: [rori] Kimi no iru Machi OVA – 01 This entry was posted by brainchild.
I have nothing witty to say. Here’s my review of rori’s release of Kimi no Iru Machi, A Town Where You Live.
r/a/ge level: 10/100. Honorifics are left in, and there are romaji and English-translated lyrics for the ending. No k-timing, though, which is a shame.
This is a problem with honorifics. Someone might actually think “Ojo” is a person, not a way to respectfully refer to a lady. Also, the second line should be “I felt that I myself had become beautiful.” “Myself” should be after “I” or at the end. Apparently, this is some old professional translation, but it isn’t perfect.
The in-line quotation marks could’ve been eliminated as well.
I like that rori tried to continue their reference of Eba as a spring wind, but it doesn’t come across as clearly in these lines. Perhaps “I didn’t expect her to completely blow me away,” like my suggestion for Commie.
Once again, I like the spring references, but it lacks the elegance that Commie had with the line. The implications of the line in rori’s release is also completely different than Commie’s. You can check out my other review to see if you can tell the difference.
But back to the line, it may be more liberal, but I think “She’s no spring shower” would fit the line better. It explains the expectation he had that was overturned, comparing her to a spring storm, which I’m not even sure how it would compare to a “spring wind.”
“That” refers to something she knows that no one else does, so it should be in quotes or italicized. Better yet, “Oh yeah, I should bring my gift too!”
Pick > get.
I don’t even know what this means. I would check the source of the professional translation, but I’m too lazy. I’m sure context could’ve been used to clear up these lines.
Comma. “The thing is, she bragged so much …”
“Am I making you uncomfortable?”
The second line doesn’t really make sense, so here’s my suggested rewriting, though I’m sure there are more ways of putting this: “I think it’d make our living arrangement kind of awkward if she found out about this. / I don’t want her to go through that while she’s alone out here.”
Not wrong, but I think “I fell for” is more appropriate.
This isn’t what you usually hear as an outburst. How about “Do you think I’m stupid/an idiot?!” instead?
Giant-ass meatbuns. Or maybe giant ass-meatbuns?
This should probably be “Text me later.”
What I liked:
I liked what rori did by integrating the spring theme into the beginning of the show, but the lines could’ve been improved to be more memorable. Nothing especially popped out. Even so, the dialogue generally flowed well.
What I didn’t like:
I only pointed out the major errors that immediately grabbed my eye. The main problem was uncommon phrasing, not technical stuff.
Overall Grade: 4 changing seasons… out of 5.