Script Review: [Commie] Tasogare Otome x Amnesia – 02 This entry was posted by brainchild.
Commie presents Moe Ghost with Amnesia.
Moar ghosts n whatever.
r/a/ge level: 100/100. Commie, Crunchyroll, poop wrapped in tinfoil with fish hooks and sold to Queen Elizabeth as earrings. What do those three things have in common? They’re still shit in the eyes of /a/.
No honorifics. Eastern/Spoken name order. English lyrics for the shitty opening and ending.
She clearly asks if Teiichi is a freshman. That’s first-year student for you Eleven-go experts. God dammit, Commie. Why must you shit on my subs? Kidding. This was probably from Crunchyroll, and it works, of course. Sasuga prosubs.
If I were editing this, I’d remove the “it.” It feels off when read with… it. (Teehee.)
It also appears multiple times throughout the script. It wasn’t until the third or fourth time did it really bother me. (… It.)
Worst cliché ever.
Yuuko: “I can’t remember my past.”
Teiichi: “Really?” “What do you mean?” or “You can’t remember?”
“Cannot” feels out of place, even if she did speak formally. And Teiichi responding with “You can’t?” doesn’t sound right either. Just reading lines aloud should cue you into the problem, assuming you’re a native English speaker or very good at conversational English.
These writers just think they’re so clever with their puns.
“For now, just let me have this” is what I would’ve put for this line. It’s one of many corny lines you can find in an average rom-com flick, and I think it fits what Yuuko is trying to say here. The original is appropriate if not a little generic, but it could be spiced up.
“…and (so) she continues to slumber here.”
Somewhere has been repeated like a million times since it first showed up. I’d remove the multiple instances of the word.
“…she might still be locked up on campus.”
See above. “Somewhere” is everywhere!
Unnecessary comma.
“So you saw them…” or “So you went to see them…”
“…even though I told you not to look” or “…even though I tried to stop you.”
The first line is a literary abortion.
“[It’s] embarrassing.”
Embarrassing shouldn’t be capitalized when it so obviously continues from the previous line.
lol.
“Uh, who are you talking to?”
“Ah” does not fit whatsoever.
“…you’ll become/get anxious, and you might even start seeing things.”
You’ll become anxious because you’re in a scary situation or whatever.
Ruining my subs. Nah, it’s a great line. It definitely fits Yuuko’s playful behavior.
Apparently, this was in the original CR script. To which I say, “Dayum, Crunchyroll! You crazy!”
“Huh? O-Okay!”
Crunchyroll has this problem where they won’t use “okay” or “yeah” for hai. I already forgot the scene, but I think Teiichi yells at Okonogi to run. Now I don’t know about you, but no one I know responds with “Right!” to an order, especially when Okonogi has no idea of the situation she’s in. This is a relatively minor nuance in language, though.
And as soon as I say that, they use “okay.”
What I liked:
Crunchyroll must really have their A-Team working on Dusk Maiden. It’s a pretty good script. However, I can’t tell what Commie changed from the original subs. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt that they at least fixed some errors from Crunchyroll. The way I’d approach this show is to simply watch it through in Aegisub and change problematic lines as they came up. It really shouldn’t take that much effort to improve the script so long as Crunchyroll keeps up the quality.
Since Commie is editing off the prosubs, I definitely recommend them over the alternatives, if you’re willing to wait. It’s unlikely they’ll make the prosubs worse or have worse phrasing than UTW.
+ Good, mostly consistent dialogue
+ Some great lines like “hide-and-ghost-seek”
What I didn’t like:
As I pointed out, there were consistency problems with some lines and repeating certain words is really a no-no. While some of my suggestions were simply superfluous ideas, a few of the phrases I pointed out really should’ve been reworded. The subs were fine, but none of the characters really stood out to me this time around, which I suppose is the fault of Crunchyroll or the episode itself.
– Less than ideal phrasing at times
Overall Grade: 4 games of hide-and-ghost-seek… out of 5.
Our translator (UTW-Underwater) also used “Ghostbusting” for the exact same line ( ´∀`)