Script Review: [Hadena] Kimi no Iru Machi OVA – 01 This entry was posted by brainchild.
The show is Kimi no Iru Machi, or A Town Where You Live. It’s based on the ongoing Japanese manga written and illustrated by Kouji Seo. It’s described as “a character-driven romance.” Really? Because it’s more like a rage-driven romance. Just watch the OVA and see. Here is my review of Hadena’s release of Kimi no Iru Machi. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry (because we laughed), etc.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
[Fuck updating all these links. Just check out our sidebar and search for yourself.]
We’re off to a good start. “Celebrities” should not be capitalized. “I wonder if we’ll see any celebrities, since it’s in Tokyo!”
Makes sense, right? Oh, no? Then, “About that…” “Do you think we could meet up?”
It’s unusual to see contraction “I’ve” without another verb. In this case, it should be either “I’ve got” or “I have.”
Missed a period.
“Lady” should not be capitalized. The line is also pretty nonsensical. “In order to see that woman’s face, I tried to be kind and graceful.” Not the greatest edit I’ve done, but it works.
Non-standard ending punctuation? I love it! It’s also awkward. A better way to say the same thing would be “Could this be what they call love?”
These previous lines should be in quotes. The character is reading them from a book.
So many semicolons! I personally recommend nuking all semicolons when it comes to dialogue and subtitles. They’re unnecessary. “Eba came a bit late, just as spring did.” This has that double meaning going on. It’s so layered and deep. She came late (teehee), she came with the spring season, and spring came late as well.
Comma splice. “I’m Eba Yuzuki.” The second could be “I’ve come from Tokyo” or “I’m from Tokyo” depending on context.
This line is so wat-inducing. I don’t know what it’s trying to say, but here goes nothing: “I wouldn’t call this a spring shower. It’s more like a spring storm of emotions.”
Try saying that stutter, and you’ll see why it’s so wrong. I don’t mind “w-what” or “wh-what,” but “t-that” is just wrong. “Th-That’s dangerous!”
Ahaha… No. “I’m speeding up!” or “Hang on tight!” if you want to be liberal.
“[We were so close] that we’d hold each other’s hands at every opportunity.” The original just sounds dumb.
Freely doesn’t mean what you think it does, Hadena. “We got here early, so we have some free time.”
Awkward. “I can’t forget to bring my gift!”
Question marks should… mark a question. Still, the line could be better phrased: “Why does it have to be so crowded now?”
More like, “O-Okay.”
The previous line was, “Why are you still in that long-distance relationship? What’s the point?” This line being, “Aren’t you just going to feel lonely?” makes no sense.
“Don’t those things never work out?” would be a better way of putting it. It captures the implications of her ending up lonely as well as the relationship being unfulfilling. Pure genius, if I do say so myself.
“Same here” sounds stupid. The girl’s line could’ve matched the guy’s, and it would’ve been fine. “I want to…” Not the mention, “…meet you!” to signify a phrase that’s been continued by someone other than the original speaker.
So I’m stopping at the eleven minute mark. By now, I think it’s obvious how Hadena handles its scripts. The two pictures above reflect how wanting I was of the script. I’m not going to edit the entire thing for them, so let’s move on, shall we?
What I liked:
I could understand it. The only redeeming thing about this release is that, with a lot of effort, it is possible to decipher what is being said. It’s not completely nonsensical.
What I didn’t like:
Almost everything. The phrasing is awkward half the time. There are technical errors everywhere – so many that it’s actually distracting from the subs. The translation is stiff and probably incorrect at times, too. I am so tempted to give this release a 1 out of 5, but really, you can understand what’s going on. Maybe I’ll change my mind later. For now…
Overall Grade: 2-part OVA series… out of 5.