Script/typesetting review: [naisho] PuPiPo! – 01 This entry was posted by herkz.
Time for something short and hopefully easy.
Need to add a comma before “after all.” Or even better, change it to “After all, it’s a painting of a weird place I saw.”
The “to” is just redundant and sounds weird. Don’t need it. I’d probably also rewrite it to “It’s where you throw all of those things away.” or something. Sticking to the Japanese sentence structure leaves you pretty limited for this line.
That is->That’s. Used a contraction earlier for this guy, so should use it here. Or neither, which might fit him better. I dunno.
Those brackets don’t exist in English. Please use quotation marks instead. As for the translation, I’d go with “Wakaba and Sunsets and Mysterious Creatures”. Especially since a few seconds later you see more than one “mysterious creature.”
Comma after “alone”.
For what? How about “I guess I need to make a bigger splash!”
Why is that first comma there?
Wow, this sentence is bad. At the very least, it needs a comma after “number”. I’d split it into two sentences, though. “If you give her your phone number, you’ll get a fever. Sit next to her and you’ll catch a cold by the next day.”
I know he says “kimi”, but you don’t really need that first “you”. It’s pretty obvious who he’s speaking to.
Comma after “warning”. Also, one->person since I don’t think she’s trying to be rude. Also, who has->who’s.
More blur pls.
Way more blur pls.
I know she says her name, but this sign would be really easy to do.
This would be the perfect place to add a linebreak after “measurable”.
Colors are terrible. What the fuck?
Editing: 2.5/5. This show doesn’t even have that many lines, but there was still a lot wrong. On the other hand, it would be pretty easy to improve.
Typesetting: C. It’s there and not that horrible.
Timing: Some bleeds, which is pretty inexcusable for a 4 minute show. Also, lines timed to fake keyframes so they don’t have enough lead-out.